Cautiously Optimistic

I've been using this term frequently. It's the state of my heart (I think Shannon's too). It's not ideal. I'd rather be SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS EXCITED. That's way more fun for me and my heart. But, Cautiously Optimistic is way better than immobile-in-a-fetal-position sad. So, I'll take it. It approximates contentment, I suppose...but with contentment comes a bit more peace than C.O will give me.

I hesitate to share the causes of our optimism, which means that I will instead stay a safe distance from proclaiming something that may be taken away. Cowardly? Probably.

Someone(a professional)recently told me that I had been traumatized by this process. I really hadn't thought of it that way, but in psychological terms, I guess experiencing death and loss are considered traumas. My visual mind map sees the word "trauma" as debilitating. I picture something/someone that/who is almost unfixable.

Shannon told me last week that I was not acting like the person he knows I am. At this point, I was done with optimism, cautious or not. I was angry and oh-so tired of waiting. I was tired of false hope, and sort of wanted to be done with the whole thing. The thing is, the news we received that prompted this reaction was not even bad news. It was an irrational response that I had to drag myself out of using logic, which is not my preferred form of dealing with life. Trauma or no trauma, that place is not one you can stay in for long.

If I were going to share our news with the world, I would say please think of us on December 2nd. It's exactly 21 days away, and of course, it could not come sooner. Cautiosly optimistic.