Today courts open. We waited for this day for what seemed like forever, and then all of sudden, we didn't have to wait for that anymore.
I know other adoptive families are so excited for this day. Today stuff starts moving again, and the wait can at least seem like it's progressing. That really means something in the World o' Waiting in adoption. Am I bitter that I can't celebrate this day? Maybe a little. Maybe more. It doesn't seem fair that after all we've been through, we now are knocked back even on the waits.
People keep asking us, "Now what?" In anguish and fear we wondered for a little bit (less than a day) if adoption is meant for us. It's not easy for anyone, and we knew that starting out. But our story has not just been hard, it's involved severe disappointment and now tragedy and heartbreak. This is not normal. And yet...we will keep waiting. We began the adoption process because we honestly believe that we can provide a home to an orphan. That part hasn't changed. Now we will wait for referral #3. We really don't want to be at this part of the wait, but who does?
I remind myself that court opening means that orphans can become part of new families, and that certainly is a good thing. We will not be one of those families--yet--that gets to finish what they started. But we will.
In a related/un-related thought--isn't it strange/narcissitic how when you are really going through something heart-wrenching that all art/music/lit seems directly related to your situation? I know John Mayer is probaby singing about a lover, but these stanzas seem written just for me.
"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
Then waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone..."
________
I debated a while about blogging about my grief (should it be personal?), and have decided that it is okay.
7 years ago
7 comments:
:( My heart is breaking for you.
And yes, the song, poems, etc. do all seem to speak directly to you in a time of pain, no matter who or what they were written about. It's actually kind of therapeutic (in my opinion).
It's okay for you to blog about your grief. It's good for you to be processing all of this. I know that you will blessed with a little one.
I don't have any good words, and I don't want to pretend that I do. I just guess if I were in your shoes, knowing that there are people out there thinking of me and caring about me would mean a lot. I wanted to let you guys know that you're always on my mind. Even when I woke up this morning with joy in my heart as we're one of those waiting families, my next thought was of you guys and the pain you are feeling. We obviously don't know each other, but if I could, I'd reach across the miles and take your hand and just give a gentle squeeze to let you know you're thought of regularly.
Thank you for sharing your grief and even your plans. I was wondering about the latter, but it was not something I felt appropriate to ask.
Much love,
Jennifer
Oh, please blog about your grief! It will help bring healing to you and it keeps us praying for you and for that precious child God has waiting for you!
Here is an amazing blog from a 20 year old girl who has given her life to taking care of orphans in Africa...I thought you might like to read it. http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/2009/10/full-circle.html
Hello, we have been praying for you and love you both...God Bless
It is so good to share even the hard things because letting it out brings healing...
If blogging about your grief is ok with you, then it is ok. We all grieve in different ways. Whatever helps, is acceptable in my eyes.
Still thinking about you and your family....
Mika
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