Thanksgiving 2009

Today we celebrated Thanksgiving with friends. I made: dressing, mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls, and...chicken. No turkey. We were going to order one, but turns out one turkey (cooked) in China costs $90. Shannon was not okay with that, thus the chicken. Still, it was pretty darn good. The friends made the other favorites--cranberry, green beans, pumpkin pie. Yum.

I am thankful...(in no particular order)
1. that that our air-conditioners have the heater function and our apartment is much cozier this winter than last
2. for a special video we received this week
3. for Stringer Bell the Kitty that sleeps on my neck every single night and purrs me a lullaby
4. for the USA store called Charlie's that sells all kinds of Western foods (in particular a yummy hot chocolate mix)
5. for an endless list of Ethiopian blogs that shares so many amazing stories of hope and perseverance
6. that there's still one day of weekend left and I don't have to feel the Sunday blues quite yet
7. that my cold is finally gone and I sleep horizontally again
8. for my dryer
9. that the last of the books I ordered (for school) finally arrived
10. for our new computer that has a webcam
11. for the many events that we have to look forward to in the coming months
12. that Women's Warrior Weekend in Hong Kong is next week and is sure to be super fun and a great distraction
13. for my kitchen--it's pretty fabulous for Asia
14. that my husband keeps me laughing every single day
15. that in a few short hours we will be down to 2 hands

There are more, of course. There were 2 babies at our celebration (one Ethiopian), and I didn't feel sad. Really, just happy and blessed to get to play with and hold them. Our time is coming, and I'm thankful in advance.

15 months preggars and TV

We really began working on adoption in September 2008. You see, when we left Phuket to come to China, we were undecided about how long we would stay here. We had decided that if it were just for one year, then we would wait until the next summer (2009) to begin the adoption process. If, though, we decided to stay for a second (or more) year, then we could go ahead and begin. Well, we decided on the latter, and began the preliminaries right away. So, counting backwards, we're now in month 15.

New friend M, from IAG, recently found out that they didn't pass court, and it was re-scheduled for Dec. 11 (30 days later, which is now the norm). An extra month of waiting is an eternity. I was trying to help her think of ideas to help the time pass quickly, and she reminded me of my very favorite: television! China has a really great site for streaming tv shows, and I have become a huge fan--Youku. It has really been a lovely find. Please don't judge me for this long list. I'm still an avid reader and know in my brain that this tv thing can't last forever. And, to be fair, it has come and gone in spurts.

Fall 2008:
--Grey's Anatomy. I love this show--I really do. Back in the fall of 2008 I was dreadfully behind with television. Living abroad for four years pre-Youku-discovery really set us back. Thus, I had a bunch of seasons to catch up on with this show. And I loved every minute of it. It makes me feel good inside and laugh and cry in a cathartic way every single show.

Winter 2008-early 2009:
--Lost. I had previously not watched a single episode of this show, but friends in Phuket were hooked, and had told me about it (yeah, I know, a little late in the uptake). I was not impressed with the first season, but stuck with it and soon understood the world's obsession. When I think back to the-time-of-Lost I remember: freezing in our circle house, crazy kitty Rudy, hot chocolate, fun runs with Candice when I would try to convince her to watch the show, and the Paperchase. I was really sad when I finished the last season.

Winter/Spring 2009:
--How I met your Mother. This show is so frickin' funny. A bunch of my students watch it, so I am proud to be "in the know" with their oh-so-many references to aweomeness, wing men, bros, and wait-for-its. It's clever, well-written, with a fun narrative thread.

Spring 2009:
--Big Love. I think I blogged about this back when I was watching it. Fellow adoptive mom J turned me on to it, and it is so interesting! For a minute I was starting to think I understood polygamy a bit, but then I snapped back. Still paper-chasing at this point, and writing our autobiographies, I think.

--American Idol! The only other season I've watched fanatically was spring 2006 when we were in El Tigre. It provided us such entertainment during that time, and again this year. One of the greatest parts about this show is that you never have to wait long for the next episode. Then, they're constantly replaying them over the weekend just in case you missed one. I LOVED not having to wait.

--Medium. I don't know why I got into this show. I really like the family!

SUMMER 2009 TV LAPSE...I was reading! Oh, and we were glued to the CNN coverage of Michael Jackson. But this was certainly the summer of thinking about and planning for sweet Abrehet.

Fall 2009:
--The Wire. This show was our salvation after we found out that Abrehet had died. Since it happened during a week holiday, the rest of that holiday is one big blur of The Wire. And every weekend after for a while. We would put it on and watch show after show after show. Thank goodness we had all 5 seasons to watch. This show is really good, btw. Best bud B turned us on to it, and when I started asking about it, turns out a bunch of teachers like it too. Raw, dark, sad, but once you're hooked, you're hooked. We even named our kitty after bad/cool gangster Stringer Bell. He will protect us and take care of us. :)

--Breaking Bad. SO SO dark. And interesting--but really...just dark. Currently waiting for season 3.

--Dexter. We've tried to get into it, but basically hate it. Especially the voice-over. Currently abandoned.

--Mad Men. Also recommended by B. I'm watching this solo on Youku, and love it most of the time. I can't belive what just happened in 3x12. I never knew Betty would be able to do it...don't want to spoil it for anyone that hasn't seen it.

Currently looking for something new. Any reccomendations? Should I try Heroes? I like sprawling narratives with a bunch of drama. Oh--please try posting! I changed the settings and I think it will work now....

ps. Of course old Friends and the Simpsons, which play on Star Channel, are still constant companions during the week...

Cautiously Optimistic

I've been using this term frequently. It's the state of my heart (I think Shannon's too). It's not ideal. I'd rather be SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS EXCITED. That's way more fun for me and my heart. But, Cautiously Optimistic is way better than immobile-in-a-fetal-position sad. So, I'll take it. It approximates contentment, I suppose...but with contentment comes a bit more peace than C.O will give me.

I hesitate to share the causes of our optimism, which means that I will instead stay a safe distance from proclaiming something that may be taken away. Cowardly? Probably.

Someone(a professional)recently told me that I had been traumatized by this process. I really hadn't thought of it that way, but in psychological terms, I guess experiencing death and loss are considered traumas. My visual mind map sees the word "trauma" as debilitating. I picture something/someone that/who is almost unfixable.

Shannon told me last week that I was not acting like the person he knows I am. At this point, I was done with optimism, cautious or not. I was angry and oh-so tired of waiting. I was tired of false hope, and sort of wanted to be done with the whole thing. The thing is, the news we received that prompted this reaction was not even bad news. It was an irrational response that I had to drag myself out of using logic, which is not my preferred form of dealing with life. Trauma or no trauma, that place is not one you can stay in for long.

If I were going to share our news with the world, I would say please think of us on December 2nd. It's exactly 21 days away, and of course, it could not come sooner. Cautiosly optimistic.

5 Things I should not do that I love:

1. Eat a handful of chocolate chips by themselves...at 9 pm.
2. Ride my bike to school while listening to my Ipod...in China, while swerving through traffic and "honking" my broken horn
3. Read blogs during my prep period
4. Sleep 9 hours almost every night (I hear that's too much?)
5. Worry about things I cannot control--oh wait, I don't love that one. But I shouldn't do it anyway.

Why are you adopting?

This a normal question, I think. Some people ask it hesistantly, as if it's a taboo question. For us, it is fine. Adoption is not for everyone, so it's natural that some might be curious. Now, if I were inclined to equivilate all aspects of adoption with pregnancy, I might see where the hesistation comes in. It probably would not be acceptable to ask a newly announced pregnant couple: "Why are you pregnant?" But, throughout this process, I've learned that they really are two different ball games. Sure, they're both hard, exhausting, trying, exciting, emotional roller coasters, etc., but there are big differences.

After Abrehet's death, we asked this question--why are we doing this to ourselves? Willingly going through all the WAITING, all the UNCERTAINLY, lack of control, etc. Losing this baby made us stop and reflect on the reasons we're doing this and consider the question of "why us?" as most do after a tragedy.

Simply put: we are adopting because we must. We desperately want to and feel like since not everyone has this intense desire, that means we must. For our home study we had to answer this question more in depth, and yes, certain influences drew us to adoption (especially our awesome nephew E). Bottom line, though, is that we know it's the way we are supposed to start our family.

This brings me to #2--the "why us" part of suffering. Obviously there are no answers. But here's a thought that has brought us some peace. If we had not been lucky enough to get Abrehet's referral, someone else would've. Maybe, just maybe, that person/couple had already endured hardships in the way of infertility and/or miscarriages. With all of that, maybe her death would've been too much for her/them. Well, we haven't experienced that other kind of pain. For us, her death was awful and almost too much to bear, but we did it (are doing it). She was supposed to be ours, and we got to love her from afar, and then mourn her from afar. And we're okay with that, and are able to keep going.

Our adoption story continues. Both good and frustrating things are happening, but we're still in this long waiting game...I wonder if I'll miss the waiting once it's all over? Hard to fathom at this point.

Weeping is cast for the night...

But Joy (or something related to it) comes in the morning.

Day #12 and Courts Open

Today courts open. We waited for this day for what seemed like forever, and then all of sudden, we didn't have to wait for that anymore.

I know other adoptive families are so excited for this day. Today stuff starts moving again, and the wait can at least seem like it's progressing. That really means something in the World o' Waiting in adoption. Am I bitter that I can't celebrate this day? Maybe a little. Maybe more. It doesn't seem fair that after all we've been through, we now are knocked back even on the waits.

People keep asking us, "Now what?" In anguish and fear we wondered for a little bit (less than a day) if adoption is meant for us. It's not easy for anyone, and we knew that starting out. But our story has not just been hard, it's involved severe disappointment and now tragedy and heartbreak. This is not normal. And yet...we will keep waiting. We began the adoption process because we honestly believe that we can provide a home to an orphan. That part hasn't changed. Now we will wait for referral #3. We really don't want to be at this part of the wait, but who does?

I remind myself that court opening means that orphans can become part of new families, and that certainly is a good thing. We will not be one of those families--yet--that gets to finish what they started. But we will.

In a related/un-related thought--isn't it strange/narcissitic how when you are really going through something heart-wrenching that all art/music/lit seems directly related to your situation? I know John Mayer is probaby singing about a lover, but these stanzas seem written just for me.

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
Then waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone..."
________

I debated a while about blogging about my grief (should it be personal?), and have decided that it is okay.