What do you know? Unblocked!

CHANGE OF BLOG ADDRESS

Well, I've waited and waited for China to unblock Blogger, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen (same with FB). I've been able to post text under the proxy I'm using, but not photos. I know once we bring Vera M. home that's what will keep me motivated to blog, so I've switched to Wordpress, which is (as of today) unblocked. Who knows if that will change or not, so I'll keep this blog active until it seems like Wordpress will stand the censors.

Here is the new address: http://ethiopiaboundexpats.wordpress.com/. There are already some pics up, including two beautiful pictures of our baby Abrehet who passed away. Check it out!

See you on the other side...
Lindsay

December 2nd = Lindsay is a Mama and Shannon is a Papa

We will call our daughter Vera M... Lyon Haggard. She was born at the end of June and is five months old. She has the most amazing smile, big brown eyes and long legs (very unlike her Mama). Many Ethiopians have loved her and taken care of her in both northern and central Ethiopia. We have 14 pictures and two videos of her which are priceless. She is perfect.

On December 2nd, everything came together for our family. M's birth daddy made the trip to Addis to give his formal consent that we become her parents, as he could not take care of her after her mommy died. I wonder what that was like for him. Such a happy day for us could not have been very pleasant for him. We will remember him and thank him always. MoWa decided to write a letter for us and take it the court. Everyone with important keys decided to come to work that day. Most importantly the judge (I don't which one--the nice one or the strict one?) decided that we are fit to be parents to this precious little girl.

Next month sometime we will go get her and bring her home. NEXT MONTH.

And suddenly, just like that, the worry begins to leave. It doesn't want to leave, so it sometimes does strange things like make my head hurt or provoke shivers up and down my body. All the same, it's leaving, and something beautiful and fulfilling (although still slightly terrifying) is replacing it--Motherhood.

A Countdown with a Twisted Twist

Countdowns are supposed to end with something great, right? Like...the countdown to my 16th birthday. J and I counted down for half a year for this! And the day of, woahla! I got my license and we drove around like maniacs all day until we ran out of gas. I do countdowns with my students all the time--we're currently at 18 school days until Christmas holiday. Of course there were also the countdowns to: my wedding, the day we left El Tigre forever, holidays, races, concerts...and each one ended with the exact thing I was expecting and brought something really good.

Except...this one might not. Actually, it's anyone's guess how it will turn out--a crap shoot, luck of the draw. If it's good news, it will be one of the best days of my life. If it's bad news, it won't be one of the worst, but it will be one more take-a-big-breath-and-figure-out-how-to-keep-going.

To be honest, this makes me mad. I want this countdown to be worth something. I have made it through 21 days of counting and have 7 to go, and really really want this one to end with something good. But...I must prepare myself for another scenario.

In any case, 7 days = 1 week. I can do that in my sleep.

Thanksgiving 2009

Today we celebrated Thanksgiving with friends. I made: dressing, mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls, and...chicken. No turkey. We were going to order one, but turns out one turkey (cooked) in China costs $90. Shannon was not okay with that, thus the chicken. Still, it was pretty darn good. The friends made the other favorites--cranberry, green beans, pumpkin pie. Yum.

I am thankful...(in no particular order)
1. that that our air-conditioners have the heater function and our apartment is much cozier this winter than last
2. for a special video we received this week
3. for Stringer Bell the Kitty that sleeps on my neck every single night and purrs me a lullaby
4. for the USA store called Charlie's that sells all kinds of Western foods (in particular a yummy hot chocolate mix)
5. for an endless list of Ethiopian blogs that shares so many amazing stories of hope and perseverance
6. that there's still one day of weekend left and I don't have to feel the Sunday blues quite yet
7. that my cold is finally gone and I sleep horizontally again
8. for my dryer
9. that the last of the books I ordered (for school) finally arrived
10. for our new computer that has a webcam
11. for the many events that we have to look forward to in the coming months
12. that Women's Warrior Weekend in Hong Kong is next week and is sure to be super fun and a great distraction
13. for my kitchen--it's pretty fabulous for Asia
14. that my husband keeps me laughing every single day
15. that in a few short hours we will be down to 2 hands

There are more, of course. There were 2 babies at our celebration (one Ethiopian), and I didn't feel sad. Really, just happy and blessed to get to play with and hold them. Our time is coming, and I'm thankful in advance.

15 months preggars and TV

We really began working on adoption in September 2008. You see, when we left Phuket to come to China, we were undecided about how long we would stay here. We had decided that if it were just for one year, then we would wait until the next summer (2009) to begin the adoption process. If, though, we decided to stay for a second (or more) year, then we could go ahead and begin. Well, we decided on the latter, and began the preliminaries right away. So, counting backwards, we're now in month 15.

New friend M, from IAG, recently found out that they didn't pass court, and it was re-scheduled for Dec. 11 (30 days later, which is now the norm). An extra month of waiting is an eternity. I was trying to help her think of ideas to help the time pass quickly, and she reminded me of my very favorite: television! China has a really great site for streaming tv shows, and I have become a huge fan--Youku. It has really been a lovely find. Please don't judge me for this long list. I'm still an avid reader and know in my brain that this tv thing can't last forever. And, to be fair, it has come and gone in spurts.

Fall 2008:
--Grey's Anatomy. I love this show--I really do. Back in the fall of 2008 I was dreadfully behind with television. Living abroad for four years pre-Youku-discovery really set us back. Thus, I had a bunch of seasons to catch up on with this show. And I loved every minute of it. It makes me feel good inside and laugh and cry in a cathartic way every single show.

Winter 2008-early 2009:
--Lost. I had previously not watched a single episode of this show, but friends in Phuket were hooked, and had told me about it (yeah, I know, a little late in the uptake). I was not impressed with the first season, but stuck with it and soon understood the world's obsession. When I think back to the-time-of-Lost I remember: freezing in our circle house, crazy kitty Rudy, hot chocolate, fun runs with Candice when I would try to convince her to watch the show, and the Paperchase. I was really sad when I finished the last season.

Winter/Spring 2009:
--How I met your Mother. This show is so frickin' funny. A bunch of my students watch it, so I am proud to be "in the know" with their oh-so-many references to aweomeness, wing men, bros, and wait-for-its. It's clever, well-written, with a fun narrative thread.

Spring 2009:
--Big Love. I think I blogged about this back when I was watching it. Fellow adoptive mom J turned me on to it, and it is so interesting! For a minute I was starting to think I understood polygamy a bit, but then I snapped back. Still paper-chasing at this point, and writing our autobiographies, I think.

--American Idol! The only other season I've watched fanatically was spring 2006 when we were in El Tigre. It provided us such entertainment during that time, and again this year. One of the greatest parts about this show is that you never have to wait long for the next episode. Then, they're constantly replaying them over the weekend just in case you missed one. I LOVED not having to wait.

--Medium. I don't know why I got into this show. I really like the family!

SUMMER 2009 TV LAPSE...I was reading! Oh, and we were glued to the CNN coverage of Michael Jackson. But this was certainly the summer of thinking about and planning for sweet Abrehet.

Fall 2009:
--The Wire. This show was our salvation after we found out that Abrehet had died. Since it happened during a week holiday, the rest of that holiday is one big blur of The Wire. And every weekend after for a while. We would put it on and watch show after show after show. Thank goodness we had all 5 seasons to watch. This show is really good, btw. Best bud B turned us on to it, and when I started asking about it, turns out a bunch of teachers like it too. Raw, dark, sad, but once you're hooked, you're hooked. We even named our kitty after bad/cool gangster Stringer Bell. He will protect us and take care of us. :)

--Breaking Bad. SO SO dark. And interesting--but really...just dark. Currently waiting for season 3.

--Dexter. We've tried to get into it, but basically hate it. Especially the voice-over. Currently abandoned.

--Mad Men. Also recommended by B. I'm watching this solo on Youku, and love it most of the time. I can't belive what just happened in 3x12. I never knew Betty would be able to do it...don't want to spoil it for anyone that hasn't seen it.

Currently looking for something new. Any reccomendations? Should I try Heroes? I like sprawling narratives with a bunch of drama. Oh--please try posting! I changed the settings and I think it will work now....

ps. Of course old Friends and the Simpsons, which play on Star Channel, are still constant companions during the week...

Cautiously Optimistic

I've been using this term frequently. It's the state of my heart (I think Shannon's too). It's not ideal. I'd rather be SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS EXCITED. That's way more fun for me and my heart. But, Cautiously Optimistic is way better than immobile-in-a-fetal-position sad. So, I'll take it. It approximates contentment, I suppose...but with contentment comes a bit more peace than C.O will give me.

I hesitate to share the causes of our optimism, which means that I will instead stay a safe distance from proclaiming something that may be taken away. Cowardly? Probably.

Someone(a professional)recently told me that I had been traumatized by this process. I really hadn't thought of it that way, but in psychological terms, I guess experiencing death and loss are considered traumas. My visual mind map sees the word "trauma" as debilitating. I picture something/someone that/who is almost unfixable.

Shannon told me last week that I was not acting like the person he knows I am. At this point, I was done with optimism, cautious or not. I was angry and oh-so tired of waiting. I was tired of false hope, and sort of wanted to be done with the whole thing. The thing is, the news we received that prompted this reaction was not even bad news. It was an irrational response that I had to drag myself out of using logic, which is not my preferred form of dealing with life. Trauma or no trauma, that place is not one you can stay in for long.

If I were going to share our news with the world, I would say please think of us on December 2nd. It's exactly 21 days away, and of course, it could not come sooner. Cautiosly optimistic.

5 Things I should not do that I love:

1. Eat a handful of chocolate chips by themselves...at 9 pm.
2. Ride my bike to school while listening to my Ipod...in China, while swerving through traffic and "honking" my broken horn
3. Read blogs during my prep period
4. Sleep 9 hours almost every night (I hear that's too much?)
5. Worry about things I cannot control--oh wait, I don't love that one. But I shouldn't do it anyway.

Why are you adopting?

This a normal question, I think. Some people ask it hesistantly, as if it's a taboo question. For us, it is fine. Adoption is not for everyone, so it's natural that some might be curious. Now, if I were inclined to equivilate all aspects of adoption with pregnancy, I might see where the hesistation comes in. It probably would not be acceptable to ask a newly announced pregnant couple: "Why are you pregnant?" But, throughout this process, I've learned that they really are two different ball games. Sure, they're both hard, exhausting, trying, exciting, emotional roller coasters, etc., but there are big differences.

After Abrehet's death, we asked this question--why are we doing this to ourselves? Willingly going through all the WAITING, all the UNCERTAINLY, lack of control, etc. Losing this baby made us stop and reflect on the reasons we're doing this and consider the question of "why us?" as most do after a tragedy.

Simply put: we are adopting because we must. We desperately want to and feel like since not everyone has this intense desire, that means we must. For our home study we had to answer this question more in depth, and yes, certain influences drew us to adoption (especially our awesome nephew E). Bottom line, though, is that we know it's the way we are supposed to start our family.

This brings me to #2--the "why us" part of suffering. Obviously there are no answers. But here's a thought that has brought us some peace. If we had not been lucky enough to get Abrehet's referral, someone else would've. Maybe, just maybe, that person/couple had already endured hardships in the way of infertility and/or miscarriages. With all of that, maybe her death would've been too much for her/them. Well, we haven't experienced that other kind of pain. For us, her death was awful and almost too much to bear, but we did it (are doing it). She was supposed to be ours, and we got to love her from afar, and then mourn her from afar. And we're okay with that, and are able to keep going.

Our adoption story continues. Both good and frustrating things are happening, but we're still in this long waiting game...I wonder if I'll miss the waiting once it's all over? Hard to fathom at this point.

Weeping is cast for the night...

But Joy (or something related to it) comes in the morning.

Day #12 and Courts Open

Today courts open. We waited for this day for what seemed like forever, and then all of sudden, we didn't have to wait for that anymore.

I know other adoptive families are so excited for this day. Today stuff starts moving again, and the wait can at least seem like it's progressing. That really means something in the World o' Waiting in adoption. Am I bitter that I can't celebrate this day? Maybe a little. Maybe more. It doesn't seem fair that after all we've been through, we now are knocked back even on the waits.

People keep asking us, "Now what?" In anguish and fear we wondered for a little bit (less than a day) if adoption is meant for us. It's not easy for anyone, and we knew that starting out. But our story has not just been hard, it's involved severe disappointment and now tragedy and heartbreak. This is not normal. And yet...we will keep waiting. We began the adoption process because we honestly believe that we can provide a home to an orphan. That part hasn't changed. Now we will wait for referral #3. We really don't want to be at this part of the wait, but who does?

I remind myself that court opening means that orphans can become part of new families, and that certainly is a good thing. We will not be one of those families--yet--that gets to finish what they started. But we will.

In a related/un-related thought--isn't it strange/narcissitic how when you are really going through something heart-wrenching that all art/music/lit seems directly related to your situation? I know John Mayer is probaby singing about a lover, but these stanzas seem written just for me.

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
Then waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone..."
________

I debated a while about blogging about my grief (should it be personal?), and have decided that it is okay.

Day #9 and Dickenson

Today is Day #9. It is better than Day #8, which was better than Day #7. I expect Day #10 or Day #11 might not follow this promising pattern since it will be the weekend. School has been a good thing. My students still make me smile and laugh. And it's easier to forget while we're working. I don't want to forget her, but not thinking about her means I can breathe and function and make the minutes go by faster.

I know there are healthier poets to read, but for now I'm stuck on Dickenson. Here are 2:

22.

The bustle in a house
The morning after death
Is solemnest of industries
Enacted upon earth.

The sweeping up the heart
And putting love away
We shall not want to use again
Until eternity.

2.

THEY say that 'time assuages,' --
Time never did assuage;
An actual suffering strengthens,
As sinews do, with age.

Time is a test of trouble,
But not a remedy.
If such it prove, it prove too
There was no malady.

Thanks to all commenters--I'm unable to publish them, but I see them and appreciate them.

Tragic News

We got a call around 3:30 am our time, Oct. 1st, that our baby girl, Abrehet, died. We have no details other than it was completely unexpected and sudden.

We are so very sad.

Sneak Preview!

Since I'm in Hong Kong, I can post photos, so I thought I'd add the sneak preview after all. :) Here's her tiny little fist. Last week we were lucky to receive FOUR new photos--2 of her alone and 2 of her with her other tiny little friends. So so cute, and Shannon is officially in love. We cannot wait to squeeze and kiss that little face and body.

She has a name! But, I still cannot announce it to the world, as we still need to tell some key people.

We hit Toys R Us here in Hong Kong and bought some great toys and a few essentials for Baby Girl. After seeing the selection and prices here, Shannon did some calculations and we've decided to have Gran Jan do some more shipping. We can buy online and pay the $40 shipping fee for a box and still come out way ahead. It's crazy.

Two other huge events to note this week: 1. courts re-open on Oct.1st (hurray!), and 2. fellow IAG adoptive parents are returning from Ethiopia with a full report of Baby Girl. They held her and took photos AND have a video of her laughing! So, it proves to be a fantastic week, especially since we're on a week holiday. :) Life is good, but will be better in a few short months. Pray that it goes by quickly, please!

Tired of waiting

I am. Today, especially.

We live in a very Chinese apartment complex. There are nice gardens, a pool, and a pond with a bridge over it right downstairs that we can see from our balcony--it's lovely. In the early evening, all the grandparents and some of the moms and dads venture outside, toting their little ones. The toddlers amble around wherever they want, and the guardian closely follows behind, fanning the precious child (or babe) the whole time. Today, as I was walking back from getting a foot rub, I saw a new mom and her nanny carefully caring two little babies. The mom spoke English (!) and told me they were twins, and "one months" old. This means that it very well could have been one of the babies' first trips outside the apartment, as the Chinese do not think mother and baby should leave the apartment for at least one month. I asked the mom if it was a lot of work having twins, and she said "YES. Extremely tired, especially at night."

So--I've missed that part. Some people point that out as a good thing, but I would gladly go without sleep to have her here already. Our baby girl turns three months this week. Who knows what kind of amazing things she's doing now, and we're missing it. During the week she's on my mind, but I have loads of activities and work to keep that part of my brain otherwise occupied. Over the weekend is when we want her here, NOW. We often wake up in the morning and talk about what we would do if she were here. What we will do.

In the evenings, we'll be downstairs. Fan and all.

NEWS

I wanted to title this post "Sneak Peek" as I've seen others do, and show a tiny little foot or her cute little lips...but alas, Blogger is still blocked here, so I am unable to post pictures. Oh well!

We have a baby girl waiting on us! She is 2 months old and the only photos we have show her sleeping. She must need lots of it like her mama. We have known about her since July 15, but did not have her medical report. We received her HIV report (negative), but the rest of the bloodwork was not done. So, we proceeded to wait (again) for another medical report. It finally arrived on August 10th, after we got home from Bali. Instead of sending it to the adoption doctor specialist in the States, we took it to her future pediatrician here, and she reviewed it. No red flags, so we formally accepted Baby Girl on August 13th.

This referral was a bit different than Baby A. We were expecting it, so it was not a surprise. The day we were sent her photos I did have to wait about 4 hours to open the email with Shannon. That was not easy, but I managed. When we opened the email, we were both shocked at how young she was. Barely one month old! That is tiny! I wanted to tell everyone I knew, but after Baby A, we were cautious. I didn't send her photo to anyone until last week. Although lots could still happen between now and the time we pick her up, the acceptance is a big deal. I don't think it's quite sunk in yet that she's OURS, but we're getting there.

We are very close to finalizing her name...I will announce it soon! We are going to keep her Ethiopian name as her middle name. I'm not allowed to post her name or picture before we pass court, so that will be awhile. In the meantime, we begin another wait, but we're close to the home stretch. :)

4th of July in China waiting for Baby Girl

Poor Shannon woke up with a sore throat today, so we had a quick change of Independence Day plans. From hearty American food (buffalo chicken and potato salad), to Indian (creamy Tikka chicken and eggplant dip). I thought the spicy would help cure Shannon. It was also inspred by my homemade yogurt that I made yesterday/last night. Delish! It is hard to find real yogurt here in China, and it's expensive. Just like cheese. That will be my next project.

No real news on Baby Girl. We think that she is at one of our agency's care centers, waiting on the results of the medical. Every morning I wake up at 6 am thinking, "Today could be it! Stay alert for the phone call!" Or, if that doesn't happen, I think maybe they bypassed the phone call so I hold my breath while opening Gmail (provided that Google isn't blocked that morning. Still holding my breath.

Our friends here that started the process with us passed court this week! They will picking up little T at the end of this month or the first week of August. This makes me happy and a tiny bit sad as we would have most likely been on the same time frame with Baby A. Still, I'll be very excited to meet their little one when they get back to China.

Even if we had stuck to our 4th of July fare, we still would have missed the fireworks. You would think that I would have had my fill during Chinese New Year, but I still miss them. Or maybe it's just the people I miss, as we skipped our annual trip back to the USA. Sniff. xoxoxo and happy 4th!

No news and no blogger

Nothing yet. We still think it could be any day, but maybe not. We're at the top of the list, so the next baby girl brought to IAG could be Baby Lyon Haggard. Most of the time I'm okay with the wait, but sometimes I think "Hey! I want her already!" With Baby A, it was all so fast, we didn't even have to wait at all. Now, we're not only waiting for baby, we'll probably have to wait out rainy season and other unforeseen complications. Thankfully, in a couple of weeks we'll be waiting in the mountains of Yangshuo and on the beaches and rice paddies in Bali! I can think of worse places to be.

First we have to finish summer school. It's better than expected. The kids seem pretty focused and are working hard for the most part. Shannon has a group of cuties in his class and is loving it.

Blogger is still blocked. This makes it difficult for me to post, besides the fact that there is no real adoption news to post.

Keep your fingers crossed for exciting news that will make a more interesting next post.

Baby A's Story

It's been a rough week.

The good news is that I was looking forward to getting to finally share our referral story, and I can do that now. However, this one won't be our baby. Instead, I can look forward to telling our second referral story--hopefully not too far down the road.

On April 16th, around 7:20 am we got THE CALL from our case worker--we had a referral of a baby girl! Baby A could be ours. Age: 3 months, with an actual known birthday (rare in Ethiopia). I woke Shannon up and we looked at her little pictures. She had a big round head with a curlicue on top, and we started calling her Cabbage Patch Baby. Her medicals were a bit off, and we were waiting for a 3rd blood test. Still, she looked healthy and happy and we watched her turn 4 months, and then 5 months. I was following her development in What to Expect the 1st Year.

A few weeks ago, Shannon had some serious concerns about how Baby A came to be at the orphanage. We had very little information, but our agency assured us that what we had was all they had, and that before she entered the care center the government agency had reviewed her case. We wrote an email requesting more information, and voicing our concerns. We sent it off and were waiting for a reply, hopeful our questions would be answered.

Two nights ago we received another call. It was something we had feared in the back of our minds: Baby A's mother returned to take her home. Although we had heard of this happening, it was still shocking. Evidently it happens about 5% of the time. Now we know.

It was a sad night. I really thought I would be her Mama. BUT, she already has a mama, and her mama wants her. That's the bottom line. What if we had taken her too soon? We're glad she's getting one-on-one attention. I bet her mama is thrilled to see that big smile. How can we be sad about that? Really, we can't.

Today, I think we’re okay. We'll think about her for the rest of our lives, and hope and pray she has a wonderful life. But I don't feel the loss that I expected to feel. Somehow we know this is right, and there's comfort in that. I truly believe that Shannon's concerns a few weeks ago were placed there deliberately to prepare us for this. It's either that, or believe in the strangest of strange coincidences. We know better.

House huntin'

I've acquired a new obsession just when my previous ones started to get old: looking for new digs. It has been a strange process figuring out how to go about this, but now I know--I have to do it myself. Which is fine, because that way I am Totally. In. Charge. I was first under the impression that I must wait for my oh-so-powerful-school to make all the arrangements, but alas, I was deceived. You know what they say, right? In order to do something right...really? Have I turned into that person?

So, in a few short minutes I will go meet mystery real estate person C and look at what seems to be Perfect on Paper. "Open Kitchen" is even part of the description. What? In China? Plus, the complex has a sweet pool and is close to my school. Fingers crossed.

Of course, along with searching for a new place I have also had to think about decorating it. I believe this may be called nesting. I have an intense desire to paint Baby Girl's room, find soft stuff and make it pretty. Mind you, I have not been able to really do this (decorate/settle) for 4 years. We have had a total "on the move" mentality, and that unfortunately has meant little to no wall hangings, 3 pots only, and suitcases nearby in case we need to jet. Now, I don't care about that. I don't care if we will be in this new place for one year only. It will be Baby Girl's first home with us, and it has to be nice. I have resolved to keep simplicity at my core, but I'm ready for the Next Step. Now, how to get Husband on board?